“We ought to pray to and invoke the Holy Spirit, for each one of us greatly needs His protection and His help. The more a man is deficient in wisdom, weak in strength, borne down with trouble, prone to sin, so ought he the more to fly to Him who is the never-ceasing fount of light, strength, consolation, and holiness.” – Pope Leo XIII[1]
Have you struggled within your marriage to be kind, loving, patient, gentle, joyful, good, modest, or self-controlled? Every couple struggles to be this way at some time, if not daily, especially when enduring hardships yourselves with the many challenges life brings. Within your relationship, have you considered praying and asking for the fruits of the Spirit to assist you and your spouse?
Pentecost, when the Holy Spirit descended upon the Apostles and Mary in the upper room, is quickly approaching. From the Holy Spirit, one can receive the fruits of the Spirit, “which are the observable behaviours of people who have allowed the grace of the Holy Spirit to be effective in them.”[2]
According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the “fruits of the Spirit are perfections that the Holy Spirit forms in us as the first fruits of eternal glory. The tradition of the Church lists twelve of them: ‘charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, generosity, gentleness, faithfulness, modesty, self-control, chastity.’”[3] How can you and your spouse pray for and work to foster the fruits of the Spirit in your marriage?
To start, you and your spouse can begin by praying for and asking the Holy Spirit for the different fruits of the Spirit. You could pick the fruit you need the most, such as joy, patience, or chastity, and then pray together for how you need that fruit in your relationship. There is a novena to the Holy Spirit, which is typically prayed the 9 days leading up to Pentecost, that you could pray together.
If a novena feels too overwhelming given your current life circumstances, you could pray the prayer from the 9th day of the novena for the fruits of the Spirit: Come, O Divine Spirit, fill my heart with Thy heavenly fruits, Thy charity, joy, peace, patience, benignity, goodness, faith, mildness, and temperance, that I may never weary in the service of God, but by continued faithful submission to Thy inspiration may merit to be united eternally with Thee in the love of the Father and the Son. Amen.[4] Uniting yourselves and your intentions in prayer for one or more of the fruits of the Spirit is a great starting point to cultivate the fruits in your marriage.
Next, to working in cooperation with the Holy Spirit, you and your spouse can seek out different ways of fostering these fruits in your relationship. Here are several ideas that you and your spouse may consider:
- If you are struggling with chastity by using pornography or struggling with infidelity, you can seek out counselling to help both of you heal, and learn strategies to change these behaviours to grow in chastity.
- If you are are wanting to grow in love, you could learn about how love is free, total, faithful, and fruitful, and increase your understanding of the Theology of the Body by St. John Paul II.
- If life is feeling rather hard and you are struggling with having joy in your marriage, you could look for ways of having fun and thank God for these opportunities. Check out this article for various ideas for having fun and why having fun should be an important priority in your relationship.
- If you are struggling to be patient, kind, gentle, or self-controlled, you likely could increase your capacity to be emotionally regulated and increase your Window of Tolerance. “The Window of Tolerance […] is characterized by a sense of groundedness, flexibility, openness, curiosity, presence, an ability to be emotionally regulated, and a capacity to tolerate life’s stressors.”[5] When you are not in your Window of Tolerance, you don’t have as much capacity to act in a patient, kind, gentle, good, or self-controlled manner. There are several things you and your spouse can do to further regulate your nervous systems by caring for yourselves physically, intellectually, or mentally, by receiving support from others and your faith, or by setting up your physical environment to reduce stressors. This article provides more information on how to do this. If you are struggling to make these changes as a couple, counselling or seeing your physician to rule out any medical concerns that may be impacting these areas may be helpful next steps.
- If you are wanting to grow in generosity, is there a specific way that both of you could be more generous with your time or your money? Is there something you want to do for the wellbeing of your relationship or family that would require more time or a financial sacrifice? Would you like to give back to your parish or a charity either by volunteering together or making an ongoing donation that you both agree upon? Taking time to plan for the added generosity can make it more successful in the long run. For example, if you are giving time to volunteer at your parish, having a meal plan for the busier day may be helpful.
- If you are wanting to grow in modesty, there are various changes to consider, such as making adjustments regarding your choice of clothing, not speaking in a boastful manner or looking down on others who are different from you, or living within your financial Depending on how you want to be more modest, you and your spouse could discuss different ways of how to do this. For instance, what types of clothing changes do you want to make and how do you want to achieve this? How could you encourage each other to use more modest speech or foster connections with others who are different from you? How can you create a budget to assist you in living financially responsible?
This year when Pentecost is celebrated, may it take on a special meaning for you and your spouse as you seek to foster the different fruits of the Holy Spirit within your marriage, and be an opportunity to grow closer to God and each other. In considering these or other ways to pray to and work with the Holy Spirit in your marriage, please remember that small and consistent efforts can be a helpful start to instilling lasting change. As you are open to and cooperate with the Holy Spirit working in your lives, may you receive more of the Holy Spirit’s protection, help, light, strength, consolation, and holiness, as Pope Leo XIII wrote.
-Melissa Guzik is a Registered Psychologist who works in private practice in the Greater Edmonton area. Melissa has been married since 2002 and has four children. She is the co-author of the Catholic marriage preparation and enrichment book and workbook To Know, Love and Serve: A Path to Marital Fulfilment. Information about Melissa’s private practice can be found at www.melisssaguzik.com
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[1] Leo XIII (1897, May 9). Divinum illud munus: Enclyclial of Pope Leo XIII on the Holy Spirit. Dicastero per la Comunicazione – Libreria Editrice Vaticana, https://www.vatican.va/content/leo-xiii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_l-xiii_enc_09051897_divinum-illud-munus.html
[2] Loyola Press (n.d.). Fruits of the Holy Spirit. https://www.loyolapress.com/catholic-resources/scripture-and-tradition/catholic-basics/catholic-beliefs-and-practices/fruits-of-the-holy-spirit/
[3] Catechism of the Catholic Church. (n.d.). III. The Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit. Libreria Editrice Vaticana, https://www.vatican.va/content/catechism/en/part_three/section_one/chapter_one/article_7/iii_the_gifts_and_fruits_of_the_holy_spirit.html#:~:text=1832
[4] Eternal Word Television Network (2025). Day Nine: Saturday, Vigil of Pentecost. https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/devotions/day-nine-13616
[5] Wright, A. (2022, May 23). What Is the Window of Tolerance, and Why Is It So Important?. Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/making-the-whole-beautiful/202205/what-is-the-window-of-tolerance-and-why-is-it-so-important