Every February, World Marriage Day and St. Valentine’s Day are celebrated. Both are occasions to honour your love for each other and God’s love for you. Throughout the year, there are also many opportunities to connect as a couple and deepen your commitment to each other. St. John Paul II reminded couples of the need for both spouses to work on their relationship when he wrote, “For love is never something that is ready made, something merely ‘given’ to man and woman; it is always at the same time a ‘task’ which they are set. Love should be seen as something which in a sense never ‘is’ but is always only ‘becoming,’ and what it becomes depends upon the contribution of both persons and the depth of their commitment. This commitment is based on what is ‘given’.”[1]
Furthermore, Dr. William Doherty, a renowned family therapist, emphasized the importance of intentional marriages. These marriages are ones where spouses “are conscious, deliberate, and planful about maintaining and building their commitment and connection over the years.”[2] Intentional marriages “place special emphasis on three aspects: a rock-solid commitment to the marriage, a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy, and a supportive community.”[3] Within your relationship, how can you grow in these areas?
Here are several questions that you and your spouse could use to discuss these aspects together. You could each pick one question to discuss or go through them all. During this time, try to speak openly about how you feel regarding your answer to the question, to listen to what your spouse says, and to share your understanding of what your spouse said back to them. It is recommended that you remove distractions to give each other your undivided attention.
Regarding commitment:
- How do you see each of you living out your commitment to your marriage?
- Are there any constraints that prevent you from being committed to each other? If so, what are they and what can you practically do to address them?
- How does your sacramental marriage impact the commitment you make to each other?
Regarding rituals of connection and intimacy:
- How and when do you feel most connected to each other?
- How do you take time to celebrate special moments, such as your anniversary, St. Valentine’s Day, your birthdays, and holidays? What expectations do you have of each other for these occasions and how would you like to celebrate them?
- What daily, weekly or monthly rituals do you have to connect as a couple? If necessary, how would you like to make improvements to these rituals?
- How do you show intimacy towards each other and what are some improvements you would like to make to your intimacy?
If you are feeling unsure about what rituals of connection are, here are some ideas:
- Eating meals together without screens[4] and praying grace together at the beginning of your meal.
- Having a two minute conversation each day or a 30 minute stress-reduction conversation.
- Exercising together.[5] If one of you can’t exercise due to physical limitations, could you join your spouse while they exercise or could you adapt how you exercise? For instance, you could sit with your spouse while they exercise on home gym equipment, or you and your spouse could go for a walk while using a wheelchair or other adaptive equipment.
- Sharing a six-second kiss with your spouse: Having a six-second kiss once a day has been shown to increase intimacy, both emotionally and physically, since physical intimacy “releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), can improve [your] mood (for days), and can help you stay calm.”[6] Physical intimacy can also “reduce your stress hormones (cortisol) and increase your relationship satisfaction. If kissing for six seconds feels like too much, share a hug.”[7]
- Pray together at home and at church by praying for and with each other. This could include praying before bed, praying a rosary or chaplet of Divine Mercy, or going to adoration or Mass together.
- Scheduling regular dates[8]: The dates could occur inside or outside your home depending on the season of your life. The important thing is to prioritize this time together, which could include learning something together, engaging in a new or favourite fun activity, or enjoying each other’s company.
Regarding supportive community:
- What types of support do you both feel you need?
- Are there any groups at your parish or in your community that you can attend to receive additional support? For example, seeking out extra support if you are struggling with grieving the loss of a loved one, an addiction, or with being the parents of a child with special needs or medically complex needs?
- What married saints can you look to for inspiration and to ask for prayers of intercession? Some examples of married saints are Blessed Mother Mary and St. Joseph, St. Anne and St. Joachim (the parents of the Blessed Mother Mary), Saints Louis and Zélie Martin (the parents of St. Thérèse), St. Thomas More, St. Louis of France, St. Gianna Molla, St. Elizabeth of Portugal, and Blessed Charles of Austria and his wife, Servant of God Zita. Information about these married saints, and others, can be found here. You can also pick one or two of these saints and ask for their intercession when you pray together as part of a ritual of connection.
As you and your spouse continue to journey together and intentionally help your love grow, may these questions and time of discussion allow you to have insights into how you may prioritize your commitment, connection, and support for your marriage. With the Archdiocese’s priority of Formation for Service to Families and Marriage, may these three aspects of intentional marriages help in supporting couples close to you and your own relationship.
-Melissa Guzik is a registered psychologist who works in private practice in the Greater Edmonton area. She is the co-author of the Catholic marriage enrichment book and workbook To Know, Love and Serve: A Path to Marital Fulfilment. Information about Melissa’s private practice can be found at www.melisssaguzik.com
[1] Wojtyla, K. (1993). Love and responsibility (J. Pablo, & H.T. Willetts, Trans.). Ignatius Press, p. 139.
[2] Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage. 2nd Ed. The Guilford Press, p. 20.
[3] Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage. 2nd Ed. The Guilford Press, pp. 20-21.
[4] Gaspard, T. (2024, June 25). 5 Rituals to reconnect in your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-rituals-reconnect-relationship/
[5] Ibid.
[6] Ibid.
[7] Ibid.
[8] Ibid.