On Feb. 11, the Church celebrates the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, which was the beginning of 18 apparitions of Our Lady to St. Bernadette at Massabielle, in Lourdes, France during 1858.[1] Our Lady provided various messages that can be applicable to couples, particularly during Lent, which starts shortly.
St. John Paul II shared that, “Lent is a season of intense prayer, fasting and concern for those in need. It offers all Christians an opportunity to prepare for Easter by serious discernment about their lives, with particular attention to the word of God which enlightens the daily journey of all who believe.”[2] How can you and your spouse receive inspiration from Our Lady of Lourdes to assist you in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving this Lent?
At the time of the apparitions, St. Bernadette was 14 years old, a sheep-keeper, suffered from illness, had a lack of eduction, and couldn’t read or write, as she lived in poverty resulting in being unable to go to school.[3] On the day of the first apparition, she was actually going to Massabielle to collect wood for the fire and to sell to buy bread.[4] During the first apparition, Our Lady did not speak to St. Bernadette, but made the sign of the cross and they prayed the rosary together.[5] Could you and your spouse do the same?
During Lent, a period of “intense prayer,”[6] how can you and your spouse pray together? Perhaps you could both pray a prayer of gratitude for each other each day to help increase your appreciation for one another. Please see To Know, Love, and Serve: A Path to Marital Fulfilment if you are looking for a specific way to do so.
Other ways of praying could be to meditate on the Sunday readings, pray a Chaplet of Divine Mercy, the Stations of the Cross (a practice many parishes do on Fridays during Lent), or before or after Mass to offer your week to Jesus, both go to confession, or go to adoration together. There are many ways to pray as a couple. Therefore, it may be helpful for you and your spouse to discuss how you have prayed together in the past and if there is a particular prayer commitment you would like to make together this Lent.
During the third apparition of Our Lady, St. Bernadette “was overwhelmed by the second statement of the Virgin Mary: ‘Would you be so kind as to come here for fifteen days?’ It is the first time that Bernadette was addressed in a formal way. She felt she was respected and loved, as a person in her own right. We are all worthy of respect in the eyes of God, because He loves each one of us.”[7]
Given the hardships St. Bernadette experienced, you may only imagine her surprise to be tenderly spoken to with such love and respect by Our Lady. With your spouse, do you speak to them with love and respect? Your spouse may be your safe person, who you are most vulnerable with, is someone who likely sees you at your worst, and with whom you let your guard down.
However, there are likely ways that you could improve how you speak to your spouse so they can experience your love and respect, as St. Bernadette experienced Our Lady’s love and respect. You may try a soft startup to conversations that includes being clear with what you are saying to your spouse with an “I” statement. For example, you could say, “I feel sad about how little time we spend together and I would like to spend more time with you” instead of using a “you” statement by saying, “You don’t make time for us to spend time together.”[8] A soft startup also includes being polite, appreciative, and describing what is happening without adding judgment to your spouse.[9] After all, making a change in how you speak to your spouse may increase the overall love and respect you show each other.
Then, “during the ninth apparition, ‘the Lady’ asked Bernadette to scrape the soil, saying to her: ‘Go to the spring, drink of it and wash yourself there’. By these actions, the mystery of the heart of Jesus is revealed for us: ‘A soldier pierced his heart with his lance and there immediately flowed out blood and water.’ The herbs and the mud represent the heart of man wounded by sin. However, in the deepest recesses of that heart, there lies the very life of God signified by the Spring. Bernadette is asked: ‘Did the ‘Lady’ say anything to you?’ She replied: ‘Yes, from time to time, She said: ‘Penance, penance, penance. Pray for sinners’.
By ‘Penance’, one must understand ‘conversion’. For the Church, conversion consists of turning one’s heart towards God and towards our brothers and sisters, as Christ taught us.” [10] One way of drawing you closer to God and each other can be through your lenten fasting. Beyond fasting on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, there are other ways you and your spouse can fast together. Everyone’s needs and abilities are different. One of you may be pregnant or have a health condition that prohibits you from fasting by limiting your food intake.
However, there can be other ways to fast too, such as not eating meat on Fridays, or giving up another type of food if you don’t eat meat. As a couple, you could take some time to talk about your struggles to see if there is something that you could give up or add to your lives this Lent.
For instance, if you are using too much technology, you could place a limit on it or use it only in specific circumstances. Maybe you struggle with being very busy at work or other projects without having a lot of time together. Therefore, you could intentionally set aside extra time to spend together, without distractions, to prioritize your relationship. Whatever you decide to give up or add in this Lent, speaking and agreeing about it together can be helpful so you can keep each other accountable to your commitments.
Inspired by St. Bernadette’s poverty and how Our Lady saw her dignity despite her life circumstances, what are some ways you and your spouse can give alms this Lent? Perhaps you and your spouse could see if there is one way you can connect together to be of service to people who live in poverty. This could include financially donating to your parish or other charities, going through your belongings to see what can be given away, or you could volunteer together to serve people in need, such as at a local shelter, soup kitchen, food bank, or a place that serves people in need who are homeless, unemployed, refugees, immigrants, pregnant, or single parents who are struggling.
Depending on your season in life and your current life circumstances, you and your spouse may or may not be able to make big sacrifices this Lent. However, doing small things can make a big different over the long run. After all, Our Lady appeared to St. Bernadette 18 times from February to July of 1858, and did not come every day. Taking some time to talk and prepare for what you would like to do together, and, ultimately, doing what you are hoping to do with love and respect for each other is most important.
May the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and the messages and examples that came from the apparitions and St. Bernadette’s example assist you and your spouse this Lent to turn your hearts towards God and each other. Our Lady of Lourdes and St. Bernadette, pray for us, especially as we journey through Lent in our relationships!
-Melissa Guzik is a registered psychologist in the Edmonton area. She is the co-author of the Catholic marriage preparation and enrichment book and workbook that were recently re-released: To Know, Love, and Serve: A Path to Marital Fulfilment: 2nd Edition. Melissa lectures at St. Joseph Seminary and presents in dioceses across Canada. Information about Melissa’ private practice can be found at www.melissaguzik.com
